How should I begin this post? I don’t know. But I will try my best.
Kim Jonghyun, one of the five members of the K pop band ‘Shinee’ passed away on the 18th of December 2017.
I thought I’d write something in remembrance of him.
I have been a K pop fan for awhile now and ‘Shinee’ was one of the first bands I listened to as I first watched Minho, one of the members on a TV show. I would listen to their music while writing poems, short stories, and at other times I would just blast their songs like ‘Tell me what to do’, ‘View’ and ‘Hello’. They brought so much happiness to me and still do. Why am I talking in past tense? I have gone insane.
You know that moment when you feel like you should’ve paid more attention to someone? That’s how I feel. He knew ‘Shawols’ (Shinee fans) loved him so much but he was truly hurt and he needed help so desperately.
He was hurting all alone, all along, and no body was there to help him. It just breaks my heart that he had to pretend to be happy, ignore the pain in his heart in order to see millions of us be happy. How difficult would that have been? That I do not know. And I do not want anyone else to go through that kind of pain ever.
Mental illness is something that we all should acknowledge more and pay more attention to. Talk, ask help even in the darkest of the times. When someone opens up to you do not shrug it off like, ‘I feel sad sometimes too’. Help them take professional help and hold their hand because you might be that one little sparkle that might be saving someone’s precious life.
When I hear someone has passed away I begin my endless thought process. I have so many questions like,
Did they know that they will be dead a week before ? What were they doing at the exact time a week before? Maybe planning ahead for their future, maybe thinking about what’s for dinner, maybe trying their best to survive the day.
When did they meet their parents, friends and colleagues for the last time? They would never have thought that it would be their last time hanging out together. But maybe some already said goodbye when they gave them a hug before they left. They would have said, “See ya later and Goodbye” without actually knowing that they’d never see them ever again in this life time. I know this is sad but it is the truth, we never know when we are seeing someone for the last time. We plan things ahead but life is such a momentary and fragile thing.
And I do not know how their families would have felt after they received the news that someone they loved to bits has left this world forever. They might regret that time they held back saying I love you or I’m sorry. That’s why we need to appreciate people while we are here, be kind and gentle.
I would be lying if I say that I am okay, I am honestly so heartbroken. Nothing feels as tragic as typing ‘Shinee’ on the YouTube search bar and seeing videos about Jonghyun’s memorial service. And now I have to click the second page to see my favorite music videos of ‘Shinee’. No matter how hurt I am I can not hold back myself from reading more and more about the pain he had to go through and his last days in this world. I know I will only be dragged in to a deep well of despair but I do not care. How cruel is that someone who helped so many others around the world through their difficult times had to suddenly go away like this? He did not deserve it.
I am not crying, I am holding back my tears because I am an expert at avoiding situations that would cause my heart any pain. But it’s as if my heart is shattered and I taped it back , so fragile but still functioning . But ‘pain’ is winning at seeping inside through the cracks. We all would turn into nothingness one day. But for now, life will go on.
A day have passed, then it will be a week, a month, a year, a decade, but life does go on. Seasons will come and go but the next winter will definitely remind us all the ‘Shawols’ around the world that Jonghyun went away in winter 2017. And that we will never see his smile ever again. But we will forever remember the mark he made in this world as an artist. And the light that he shed on mental health and LGBT topics as a human being. And this would be what we all think about, “he did so well, Jonghyun you are a STAR!!”
You indeed did so well.
Shinee did so well.
We love you forever,
May you never run in to ‘pain’ ever again
May you meet the lovely friend ‘happiness’
At every corner you take…
Rest in peace Kim Jonghyun
I do NOT own the picture used in this blog post.
Thank you for reading as always. Share your thoughts with me in the comment section, I would love to hear from you.