You did well Kim Jonghyun…

How should I begin this post? I don’t know. But I will try my best.

Kim Jonghyun, one of the five members of the K pop band ‘Shinee’ passed away on the 18th of December 2017.

I thought I’d write something in remembrance of him.

I have been a K pop fan for awhile now and ‘Shinee’ was one of the first bands I listened to as  I first watched  Minho, one of the members on a TV show. I would listen to their music while writing poems, short stories, and at other times I would just blast their songs like ‘Tell me what to do’, ‘View’ and ‘Hello’. They brought so much happiness to me and still do. Why am I talking in past tense? I have gone insane.

You know that moment when you feel like you should’ve paid more attention to someone? That’s how I feel. He knew ‘Shawols’ (Shinee fans) loved him so much but he was truly hurt and he needed help so desperately.

He was hurting all alone, all along, and no body was there to help him. It just breaks my heart that he had to  pretend to be happy, ignore the pain in his heart in order to see millions of us be happy. How difficult would that have been? That I do not know. And I do not want anyone else to go through that kind of pain ever.

Mental illness is something that we all should acknowledge more and pay more attention to. Talk, ask help even in the darkest of the times. When someone opens up to you do not shrug it off like, ‘I feel sad sometimes too’. Help them take professional help and hold their hand because you might be that one little sparkle that might be saving someone’s precious life.

When I hear someone has passed away I begin my endless thought process. I have so many questions like,

Did they know that they will be dead a week before ? What were they doing at the exact time a week before? Maybe planning ahead for their future, maybe thinking about what’s for dinner, maybe trying their best to survive the day.

When did they meet their parents, friends and colleagues for the last time? They would never have thought that it would be their last time hanging out together. But maybe some already said goodbye when they gave them a hug before they left. They would have said, “See ya later and Goodbye” without actually knowing that they’d never see them ever again in this life time. I know this is sad but it is the truth, we never know when we are seeing someone for the last time. We plan things ahead but life is such a momentary and fragile thing.

And I do not know how their families would have felt after they received the news that someone they loved to bits has left this world forever. They might regret that time they held back saying I love you or I’m sorry. That’s why we need to appreciate people while we are here, be kind and gentle.

I would be lying if I say that I am okay, I am honestly so heartbroken. Nothing feels as tragic as typing ‘Shinee’ on the YouTube search bar and seeing videos about Jonghyun’s memorial service. And now I have to click the second page to see my favorite music videos of ‘Shinee’. No matter how hurt I am I can not hold back myself from reading more and more about the pain he had to go through and his last days in this world. I know I will only be dragged in to a deep well of despair but I do not care. How cruel is that someone who helped so many others around the world through their difficult times had to suddenly go away like this? He did not deserve it.

I am not crying, I am holding  back my tears because I am an expert at avoiding situations that would cause my heart any pain. But it’s as if my heart is shattered and I taped it back , so fragile but still functioning . But ‘pain’ is winning at seeping inside through the cracks.  We all would turn into nothingness one day. But for now, life will go on.

A day have passed, then it will be a week, a month, a year, a decade, but life does go on. Seasons will come and go but the next winter will definitely remind us all the ‘Shawols’ around the world that Jonghyun went away in winter 2017. And that we will never see his smile ever again. But we will forever remember the mark he made in this world as an artist.  And the light that he shed on mental health and LGBT topics as a human being. And this would be what we all think about, “he did so well, Jonghyun you are a STAR!!”

 

Kim Jonghyun,

You indeed did so well.

Shinee did so well.

We love you forever,

May you never run in to ‘pain’ ever again

May you meet the lovely friend ‘happiness’

At every corner you take…

 

Rest in peace Kim Jonghyun

08.04.1990- 18.12.2017

 

I do NOT own the picture used in this blog post.

Source: https://weheartit.com/entry/71940927

Thank you for reading as always. Share your thoughts with me in the comment section, I would love to hear from you.

 

 

 

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A melody…

Hello there, my lovely reader, today I wrote this little piece of writing while listening to inspirational music . I had this moment where I was kinda transferred in to “another world” where I was feeling too many emotions. I was drowning in my thoughts and  I was only reassured that music is indeed truly the universal language, I was so motivated afterwards so I decided to share it with you all. Maybe you’d like what I wrote . I hope you enjoy it 🙂

“I am chaos. I admit that I can be a mess sometimes but nothing is ever permanent. So is me being the epitome of a mess.

I break the silence when I am sane, but I lose my melody when I am insane. Honestly I am kind of exhausted by keeping my eyes open on a daily basis. I cry and I weep, I guess that’s a part of my routine.

I came to the realization that being lonely and alone are completely separate entities the day I felt that I was happy to be by myself instead of spending a night out with my friends out in the city. But people tell me that I am lonely when I am not. And hence the chaos in my head choosing whether I am actually lonely or not. And I think things through at these times about my life.

So I need to tell you, that there will come a time and a place where you’d just lie there by yourself thinking,

“Where did I go wrong? How do I find her? What did I miss? Is she really one in a million?”

You are bound to feel hopeless. It’s a part of life. For all the times you’d be hopeless, you’d gain an equal number of hopeful moments so you know which is more valuable. You can find it out for yourself.

And when you meet a hopeless moment I’d hope you’d have the courage to pick yourself up and give yourself a pat in the back and say, “You ARE nearly there, you just have to hold on for a little longer hun!”

And I promise you will see the most beautiful things in the world.

I might not know your name,

I might not know how old you are,

I might not know where you are from,

I might not know what your passions are ,

I might not know what you dreamed of becoming when you were nine,

I might not know your favorite movie,

I might not know what music you listen to,

Hell I might not even know if you like tea or coffee,

But I know for SURE, that we both were looking for each other all along.

That’s what I keep telling myself everyday and see, I am holding on alright…”

As always thank you so much for stopping by my blog. I appreciate all of you very very much 🙂

Like, share and comment your thoughts down below.

A lie per second…

Hold on tight babe, we will land safe

Every time you tell me, but it’s a one big lie

You lost what you didn’t take care of

Now I am flying free like a butterfly after the storm

Is it too rude of me to be smiling

Without you who was by my side all along

I cannot help but let you go away

My smiles could never co-exist with yours anyway

Your love could’ve killed me but I never cared

Clean but still young and living out of pain

I miss you in ways that I never knew existed

But I know for a fact, you were never the personification of love

So you’re creative…

After pondering over what I should write about for hours (in the midst of studying for the finals) finally here I am!

I learned about healing and art the other day at class, and I was very touched that I almost started weeping. But no! I wouldn’t wanna make myself vulnerable in front of others, my stubborn heart insisted . I began to drift away in class as I jumped on to my train of thoughts, I swear it was unintentional.

I like to think that hearts can heal it selves , mend the broken pieces and bind them together , what a nice process would that be? And sometimes I’d like to call it art. Isn’t it beautiful that a heart is refusing to back down, even after all the pain it has been through? I think its the epitome of beauty to be honest. There are sad people in the world but in my humble opinion brokenness isn’t equivalent to sadness. Brokenness is something beyond the state of ‘just being sad’. And as it should make sense, the remedies we use to overcome ‘sadness’ should not be the same remedies that we use to overcome ‘brokenness’. Brokenness is its own different thing. Don’t you think? So why do we say to people who are suffering from brokenness to ‘just get over it’ or ‘just go for a walk’?

Isn’t it too rude of us to be this impolite? I believe that kindness can bring about wonders and I think art can be a volunteer for the position of becoming a  cure for  ‘brokenness’ along with kindness. I mean it might not even be that much of a help but at least even if there is only one, just one positive outcome, it will be brilliant progress! Wouldn’t it?

By art I mean being creative. It doesn’t matter whether it is drawing, music, painting, dancing, acting, writing or photography just anything that helps oneself express their true feelings and makes them comfortable being true to their identity.  To me, being art is becoming myself. And becoming yourself means that you are being vulnerable. Sometimes being vulnerable can be opening yourself up for rejection. Think about it like this, even if the pills you take to cure an illness are bitter you take them because it would eventfully cure your illness which can otherwise be a big issue in the long run. Right? It’s the same thing , even though opening yourself up and bearing your soul means sometimes you’d be disappointed, being creative and ‘art’ in general heals you.  So you do take the medication, in this case ‘art’ because it can help you. It can help you reduce the pain of ‘brokenness’.

To sum up I’ll add a quote from one of my favorite authors, Haruki Murakami,

“What happens when people open their hearts?

They get better.”

Overall, this is only my opinion and how I relate to art and creativity. How I express my feelings via ‘art’. Art is open to every one. Unlike medication for anything else, you can use art as an outlet to reduce your daily stress, this medication “art” can also be helpful even if you aren’t broken. I think that’s the beauty of creativity! What do you think? I’d love to know your ideas, so if you have time don’t forget to leave a comment down below!

 

Gentle breeze…

I’m at the beach. Air around me is burning hot and the blazing sun isn’t helping at all. I am sat on a branch of a tree in the shade. This part of the beach isn’t that crowded like the main entrance to the beach area, probably because it takes a 45 minute walk to get here, through the forest and  then there is an obnoxious number of hills and steps to climb as well.

The blue ocean greets the harsh sun in the same way that a best friend who gets annoyed with you all the time takes care of you regardless. As if nothing a BFF does helps to grow that I-hate-you-we-are-over pile.

I see a faded shadow of someone walking along the sandy beach. I have a hunch as to who it is. And my eyes are in the process of becoming blind of the bright light and I see him. Of course him. Of course it had to be him. Now a gentle breeze is in the air as if he is bringing the breeze with him, as if he has become the raindrops that calms down the harsh summers, something that is so rare and unpredictable.

That’s how I see him, that’s how I know him, that’s how I meet him.

White t shirt, black pants and his soft straight short hair. Just walking with grace, not like a feminist grace but a manly one yet so soft. Hot sand is being crunched underneath his slippers, thank god he is wearing them! I can’t make out his face clearly but I know it’s him. It’s the way he carries himself, trying to be bad ass standing at 5 feet and 6 inches. How cute! And I would be super confident trying to be myself. But the words that are escaping my mouth are not reflecting my feelings for him. They are nice but they are too formal but I know down the line I get comfortable around him and vise versa. When I can finally see his face, his crooked smile and cute button nose looks brighter than that annoying sun light. I am glad he won against someone super powerful like the ‘Sun’ and became my hero.

At least that’s how I have written this love story in my head. So peaceful, charming yet don’t forget, rare and unpredictable. I hope it stays frozen so I can replay it in my head and cherish it forever.

Nevertheless his first impression of me would never be a girl wearing a sundress, bare feet walking towards him jumping up and down because her feet are been cooked every time they hit the hot sand. He would never know that her hair is blowing in the gentle breeze that indeed he bought towards her to heal her burning skin under the harsh summer.

But It would be more like, cold freezing winter, a girl, blue hoodie, a cream dress, tights and brown boots shaking his sore arm vigorously. She thinks she is being nice but he’s hurting.

Now the roles are reversed because I am the one hurting now, but the thing is it’s not my arm or my palm, its my poor heart. And it’s the winter instead of the summer, and he would never win against the sun, and he might have lost the potential of becoming my hero. But at least my one and only memory of us would be easier to freeze because in case you don’t know winters are colder than the summers.

 

With love,

G. G

xoxox

 

Freeze them to cherish them later…

Sun set; one of the most spectacular moments a human being can witness. It’s so beautiful; the way the burning sun is swallowed by the vast ocean.

“It’s been 30 years, 30 crazy years! Can you even believe it?”  I say tilting my head to the side, a deep sigh escapes my tired body.

“We were so young back then” Her eyes are glistening with nostalgia, I can tell. Her plaid shirt is floating in the air whilst her hair is being swept away with the gentle breeze.

“Remember that one time I tried to sneak out of school?” I stare out into the ocean. Sun rays reflected on the blue ocean are forming this somewhat magical moment that makes the water look so indescribably mesmerizing.

“Who can forget it? All of the teachers were talking about it” She nods as a chuckle escapes her lips.

“That was the best unexpected adventure though” I lay myself on a rock a little away from the water. Sun is going down. It’s too bright but the sun rays do not fail to let their light shine upon everyone on the beach.

“Back then when we were 16 I was just wanting to be 21… like crazy! And then I just turned 21 and I was like, is this life now? Am I a proper adult now?” My voice speaks up before my mind tells it to stop being the one to bring up all the memories, both good and bad.

“Time is just stupid, it’s like this medium that helps you figure out how long we’ve got to be here but no one actually wants to know how long we’ve got to be here!” She jumps on to the rock next to me almost bumping in to my shoulder.

“It’s like no one really grew up, I still feel like we graduated high school last week.” I shrug nonchalantly.

“Isn’t it what makes it so weird though? My memories have been frozen since I graduated high school.” She starts playing with the ends of her hair, something that she always does when she has trouble expressing herself.

“Yeah, mine too…and they are no way closer to melting anytime soon” My lousy jokes are still working as ever before. We crack up and then silence again. A young couple is walking along the shoreline. Although it was unintentional we both look up at them in sync,

“Why did I see you talking with her after class then?” The girl asks,  clearly annoyed but still holding hands with the boy.

“She had a book for my sister” He shyly mutters before glancing a smile at us.

“Oh boy, he is in trouble…” I say out loud when the couple is out of earshot. And we both fall silent again, I know for a fact that right now we are remembering all the times that we were dealing with boy troubles.

Nothing but the sound of the waves splashing on the rocks and making its way towards the beach for a few seconds.    And it was the moment I heard the most beautiful version of nature, the silence at its peek, strong enough to make you feel things that you never knew that you had the capability of feeling.

In time everyone wither away. It’s the one undeniable and inevitable truth. Just like when flowers are given the blessing to bloom so elegantly they know that they will turn to dust in a couple of days. But it does not make them any less worthy just because they are alive for a few days, they still bloom to share their beauty with others.They are being themselves even if their stay is short. Time does not control you and age would not dare define you, if you are spending each and every day of your life being true to yourself.

Now, her gaze is stuck with a group of kids who are building sand castles and I think to myself, “After all these times we are still indeed the same 12 year olds who met on the playground, got their hearts broken and suffered from the basic symptoms of growing up. Our stories might’ve taken different paths and led us in different directions but we all began from the same place. And who thought that at the age of 48 that I’ll still be by your side? Isn’t this more magical than the burning sun being swallowed by the vast ocean?”

And I wonder 24/ 7, if we were writing the memories that our children wanted to cherish…

 

 

You cry then you let go…

“I think you should spend more time with him” he texts her back, trying to figure out what’s going on with his mind.

This is the reaction of someone who just found out his friend who happened to be his “unrequited lover” is hanging out with another “friend” who was becoming something more than that. It would be so awkward if I had to witness a full on meltdown, I think to myself.

But he stayed still…

“Are you even breathing?” My curiosity tries to get a reply from the stunned version of him.

“Hmm?” He shakes his head, his gaze stuck on the street.

“You are shaking, are you okay?” I ask, clearly concerned.

“Yeah, I am alright. Actually, I can’t really be more than alright right now, but I’d like to be.”

You know in that moment, what I found the most beautiful was that , he loved her more than enough to scream,yell at her, throw a tantrum and beg her to stay, but he did not. Because he knew that true love can do far greater things….

“Like what?” I ask.

“I don’t know…like keeping your mouth shut for the rest of your life because you don’t want her to see you devastated, because then it would be even more difficult for her to break it off.”

“But is it what you want to do?”

“One thing that I’ve realised is that you can feel more than one thing at once. You can be miserable that she is hurting you, you can be mad that she is leaving you, you can be obnoxious about the whole situation and the stress it has put you through but above all you can indeed be happy for her.”

“Only if you choose to though” I add.

“Wouldn’t you regret not speaking up for your love?” I can not understand what his mind is going through, because I have never been in a romantic relationship in my life. The only thing I know is to be extremely curious as to how he is being so calm about this situation.

“You can watch her for afar, her living the life she’s always wanted to live. And just because she left you doesn’t mean that she doesn’t deserve to be happy. If you truely loved her from the beginning you’d know that her happiness is, has been and always will be the only thing that you cared about. So, to answer your question, if she is happy, no I would not regret making that decision”

“…and on top of that if I don’t let her go, how will I ever find the one who is meant be stuck with me for the rest of my life? If she is her, she will come back, if not that other person will…”

“That’s deep man!” I say, a chuckle escapes his mouth and he noddes.

I think to myself…and maybe that’s what I am trying to learn too. To love people without expecting anything in return. To love them and get hurt. And get up again and love again.

“Can I borrow your notebook?” I suddenly jump off the ‘thinking train’ at his words.

“What for?”

“I need some paper…to write down something for her”

“There you go, I will be back.” I throw the notbook on to his lap and make my way towards the reception.

2 pm. I am here. but he’s not. My notebook on the bench and none of the pages missing, he has not even taken any paper.

But there is ink on the last page,

“Keep in mind little one, love came in all colours , in all of the forms, and in all of the four seasons. And it will show up again even at times that you will be oblivious towards it…”

With love,

G.G

xoxox