You did well Kim Jonghyun…

How should I begin this post? I don’t know. But I will try my best.

Kim Jonghyun, one of the five members of the K pop band ‘Shinee’ passed away on the 18th of December 2017.

I thought I’d write something in remembrance of him.

I have been a K pop fan for awhile now and ‘Shinee’ was one of the first bands I listened to as  I first watched  Minho, one of the members on a TV show. I would listen to their music while writing poems, short stories, and at other times I would just blast their songs like ‘Tell me what to do’, ‘View’ and ‘Hello’. They brought so much happiness to me and still do. Why am I talking in past tense? I have gone insane.

You know that moment when you feel like you should’ve paid more attention to someone? That’s how I feel. He knew ‘Shawols’ (Shinee fans) loved him so much but he was truly hurt and he needed help so desperately.

He was hurting all alone, all along, and no body was there to help him. It just breaks my heart that he had to  pretend to be happy, ignore the pain in his heart in order to see millions of us be happy. How difficult would that have been? That I do not know. And I do not want anyone else to go through that kind of pain ever.

Mental illness is something that we all should acknowledge more and pay more attention to. Talk, ask help even in the darkest of the times. When someone opens up to you do not shrug it off like, ‘I feel sad sometimes too’. Help them take professional help and hold their hand because you might be that one little sparkle that might be saving someone’s precious life.

When I hear someone has passed away I begin my endless thought process. I have so many questions like,

Did they know that they will be dead a week before ? What were they doing at the exact time a week before? Maybe planning ahead for their future, maybe thinking about what’s for dinner, maybe trying their best to survive the day.

When did they meet their parents, friends and colleagues for the last time? They would never have thought that it would be their last time hanging out together. But maybe some already said goodbye when they gave them a hug before they left. They would have said, “See ya later and Goodbye” without actually knowing that they’d never see them ever again in this life time. I know this is sad but it is the truth, we never know when we are seeing someone for the last time. We plan things ahead but life is such a momentary and fragile thing.

And I do not know how their families would have felt after they received the news that someone they loved to bits has left this world forever. They might regret that time they held back saying I love you or I’m sorry. That’s why we need to appreciate people while we are here, be kind and gentle.

I would be lying if I say that I am okay, I am honestly so heartbroken. Nothing feels as tragic as typing ‘Shinee’ on the YouTube search bar and seeing videos about Jonghyun’s memorial service. And now I have to click the second page to see my favorite music videos of ‘Shinee’. No matter how hurt I am I can not hold back myself from reading more and more about the pain he had to go through and his last days in this world. I know I will only be dragged in to a deep well of despair but I do not care. How cruel is that someone who helped so many others around the world through their difficult times had to suddenly go away like this? He did not deserve it.

I am not crying, I am holding  back my tears because I am an expert at avoiding situations that would cause my heart any pain. But it’s as if my heart is shattered and I taped it back , so fragile but still functioning . But ‘pain’ is winning at seeping inside through the cracks.  We all would turn into nothingness one day. But for now, life will go on.

A day have passed, then it will be a week, a month, a year, a decade, but life does go on. Seasons will come and go but the next winter will definitely remind us all the ‘Shawols’ around the world that Jonghyun went away in winter 2017. And that we will never see his smile ever again. But we will forever remember the mark he made in this world as an artist.  And the light that he shed on mental health and LGBT topics as a human being. And this would be what we all think about, “he did so well, Jonghyun you are a STAR!!”

 

Kim Jonghyun,

You indeed did so well.

Shinee did so well.

We love you forever,

May you never run in to ‘pain’ ever again

May you meet the lovely friend ‘happiness’

At every corner you take…

 

Rest in peace Kim Jonghyun

08.04.1990- 18.12.2017

 

I do NOT own the picture used in this blog post.

Source: https://weheartit.com/entry/71940927

Thank you for reading as always. Share your thoughts with me in the comment section, I would love to hear from you.

 

 

 

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A dreamer holds on regardless…

Hello lovely reader! I hope you are having a great day today.

So I was thinking what should I write about today? And I was in the midst of putting my words in to a rhythm when I finally came across this! (I was also listening to music)

12 year old me would have never thought that the name “Taylor Swift” would become a name that I would grow up to adore. It’s indescribable. She is the reason that I wanted to play guitar. She is the reason that I wanted to sing. And above all she is still the reason that I keep singing and dancing and playing music and going nuts at 12 am.

I can pin point  so clearly the moment that my best friend asked me if I’ve heard this song called Love story. It was 2009. And I was like,

“letmme check it out when I go home” (We could not use phones at school)

And in comes me the next day, with loads to talk about her. I had read her entire Wikipedia page in one night and her whole story. Where she is from, how old she was, her full name, how many instruments she played, her passion for country music…just everything.

I talked about her that whole week with my best friend till she got sick of my voice. I imagined what it would like to become a musician and she was my number one inspiration.

Now keep in your mind that this was before her albums “1989” or “Red”. It was before everyone knew her, before she became a household name. This year 2017, it’s been almost eight whole years that I have been a fan of her.

Recently when I am asked,

“So…what kinda music do you listen to?”

I fear that people might judge me, because when they hear the name Taylor Swift I think their perspective could be different. She has achieved so much since starting out as the girl playing in Nashville. But to me she is still the same old Taylor that I would sing along to in front of an old big ass computer.  I am so happy whenever I meet a “Swiftie” because I know that I have a person to share my admiration of her music with.

You know how you feel when something goes right and you don’t regret a single thing? That’s how I feel about finding Taylor’s music. I have been here all along and I am still standing right here and I do not plan on not calling myself a “Swiftie…”

But to my great disappointment I have never seen her live. And it’s really heartbreaking to see her come and go every time to my country but I never get to see her. I feel like one of her songs at times.

I live so far away from where she performs every time. Same with the “reputation” tour next year. To be honest I am super bummed. But I’d have to suck it up till I one day will be able to go to her concert. Whether that’s gonna be in three years, five years or even ten years…that I do not know. I want it to be my first concert because I want it to be the most beautiful day in my entire life. And I will hold on until that day comes. I have waited since 2009 and I can wait a little longer.  Maybe that will make that one moment even more beautiful.

And I never knew that You can actually miss people you have never met in your damn life ! Maybe it’s because her music speaks to me very much. On the other hand I think if I ever get to meet her I would be so overwhelmed I might drop down dead. But I’d still give it a try. Is it concerning? I do not know.

She opened me up to country music and just music in general. And she showed me that music can make you feel and help me share moments, moments that I otherwise would not have been able to freeze.

And those secret sessions that she’s been having for her fans! I could not be happier for those lucky fans!  And I am happy even thought it’s not me, but someone got to meet this adorably talented young women.

Dear Tay Tay, I love you very much for every lyric you have written, whether they made you cry or made you laugh you helped loads of people through your music, still do. I just want to give you a big hug and sing along to some of your songs with you. Let me dream big and I will tell you all of this when I one day meet you 🙂

Love

G.G

Please like, share and comment your thoughts. Are you a fan of Taylor Swift too?

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So you’re creative…

After pondering over what I should write about for hours (in the midst of studying for the finals) finally here I am!

I learned about healing and art the other day at class, and I was very touched that I almost started weeping. But no! I wouldn’t wanna make myself vulnerable in front of others, my stubborn heart insisted . I began to drift away in class as I jumped on to my train of thoughts, I swear it was unintentional.

I like to think that hearts can heal it selves , mend the broken pieces and bind them together , what a nice process would that be? And sometimes I’d like to call it art. Isn’t it beautiful that a heart is refusing to back down, even after all the pain it has been through? I think its the epitome of beauty to be honest. There are sad people in the world but in my humble opinion brokenness isn’t equivalent to sadness. Brokenness is something beyond the state of ‘just being sad’. And as it should make sense, the remedies we use to overcome ‘sadness’ should not be the same remedies that we use to overcome ‘brokenness’. Brokenness is its own different thing. Don’t you think? So why do we say to people who are suffering from brokenness to ‘just get over it’ or ‘just go for a walk’?

Isn’t it too rude of us to be this impolite? I believe that kindness can bring about wonders and I think art can be a volunteer for the position of becoming a  cure for  ‘brokenness’ along with kindness. I mean it might not even be that much of a help but at least even if there is only one, just one positive outcome, it will be brilliant progress! Wouldn’t it?

By art I mean being creative. It doesn’t matter whether it is drawing, music, painting, dancing, acting, writing or photography just anything that helps oneself express their true feelings and makes them comfortable being true to their identity.  To me, being art is becoming myself. And becoming yourself means that you are being vulnerable. Sometimes being vulnerable can be opening yourself up for rejection. Think about it like this, even if the pills you take to cure an illness are bitter you take them because it would eventfully cure your illness which can otherwise be a big issue in the long run. Right? It’s the same thing , even though opening yourself up and bearing your soul means sometimes you’d be disappointed, being creative and ‘art’ in general heals you.  So you do take the medication, in this case ‘art’ because it can help you. It can help you reduce the pain of ‘brokenness’.

To sum up I’ll add a quote from one of my favorite authors, Haruki Murakami,

“What happens when people open their hearts?

They get better.”

Overall, this is only my opinion and how I relate to art and creativity. How I express my feelings via ‘art’. Art is open to every one. Unlike medication for anything else, you can use art as an outlet to reduce your daily stress, this medication “art” can also be helpful even if you aren’t broken. I think that’s the beauty of creativity! What do you think? I’d love to know your ideas, so if you have time don’t forget to leave a comment down below!

 

Gentle breeze…

I’m at the beach. Air around me is burning hot and the blazing sun isn’t helping at all. I am sat on a branch of a tree in the shade. This part of the beach isn’t that crowded like the main entrance to the beach area, probably because it takes a 45 minute walk to get here, through the forest and  then there is an obnoxious number of hills and steps to climb as well.

The blue ocean greets the harsh sun in the same way that a best friend who gets annoyed with you all the time takes care of you regardless. As if nothing a BFF does helps to grow that I-hate-you-we-are-over pile.

I see a faded shadow of someone walking along the sandy beach. I have a hunch as to who it is. And my eyes are in the process of becoming blind of the bright light and I see him. Of course him. Of course it had to be him. Now a gentle breeze is in the air as if he is bringing the breeze with him, as if he has become the raindrops that calms down the harsh summers, something that is so rare and unpredictable.

That’s how I see him, that’s how I know him, that’s how I meet him.

White t shirt, black pants and his soft straight short hair. Just walking with grace, not like a feminist grace but a manly one yet so soft. Hot sand is being crunched underneath his slippers, thank god he is wearing them! I can’t make out his face clearly but I know it’s him. It’s the way he carries himself, trying to be bad ass standing at 5 feet and 6 inches. How cute! And I would be super confident trying to be myself. But the words that are escaping my mouth are not reflecting my feelings for him. They are nice but they are too formal but I know down the line I get comfortable around him and vise versa. When I can finally see his face, his crooked smile and cute button nose looks brighter than that annoying sun light. I am glad he won against someone super powerful like the ‘Sun’ and became my hero.

At least that’s how I have written this love story in my head. So peaceful, charming yet don’t forget, rare and unpredictable. I hope it stays frozen so I can replay it in my head and cherish it forever.

Nevertheless his first impression of me would never be a girl wearing a sundress, bare feet walking towards him jumping up and down because her feet are been cooked every time they hit the hot sand. He would never know that her hair is blowing in the gentle breeze that indeed he bought towards her to heal her burning skin under the harsh summer.

But It would be more like, cold freezing winter, a girl, blue hoodie, a cream dress, tights and brown boots shaking his sore arm vigorously. She thinks she is being nice but he’s hurting.

Now the roles are reversed because I am the one hurting now, but the thing is it’s not my arm or my palm, its my poor heart. And it’s the winter instead of the summer, and he would never win against the sun, and he might have lost the potential of becoming my hero. But at least my one and only memory of us would be easier to freeze because in case you don’t know winters are colder than the summers.

 

With love,

G. G

xoxox

 

Freeze them to cherish them later…

Sun set; one of the most spectacular moments a human being can witness. It’s so beautiful; the way the burning sun is swallowed by the vast ocean.

“It’s been 30 years, 30 crazy years! Can you even believe it?”  I say tilting my head to the side, a deep sigh escapes my tired body.

“We were so young back then” Her eyes are glistening with nostalgia, I can tell. Her plaid shirt is floating in the air whilst her hair is being swept away with the gentle breeze.

“Remember that one time I tried to sneak out of school?” I stare out into the ocean. Sun rays reflected on the blue ocean are forming this somewhat magical moment that makes the water look so indescribably mesmerizing.

“Who can forget it? All of the teachers were talking about it” She nods as a chuckle escapes her lips.

“That was the best unexpected adventure though” I lay myself on a rock a little away from the water. Sun is going down. It’s too bright but the sun rays do not fail to let their light shine upon everyone on the beach.

“Back then when we were 16 I was just wanting to be 21… like crazy! And then I just turned 21 and I was like, is this life now? Am I a proper adult now?” My voice speaks up before my mind tells it to stop being the one to bring up all the memories, both good and bad.

“Time is just stupid, it’s like this medium that helps you figure out how long we’ve got to be here but no one actually wants to know how long we’ve got to be here!” She jumps on to the rock next to me almost bumping in to my shoulder.

“It’s like no one really grew up, I still feel like we graduated high school last week.” I shrug nonchalantly.

“Isn’t it what makes it so weird though? My memories have been frozen since I graduated high school.” She starts playing with the ends of her hair, something that she always does when she has trouble expressing herself.

“Yeah, mine too…and they are no way closer to melting anytime soon” My lousy jokes are still working as ever before. We crack up and then silence again. A young couple is walking along the shoreline. Although it was unintentional we both look up at them in sync,

“Why did I see you talking with her after class then?” The girl asks,  clearly annoyed but still holding hands with the boy.

“She had a book for my sister” He shyly mutters before glancing a smile at us.

“Oh boy, he is in trouble…” I say out loud when the couple is out of earshot. And we both fall silent again, I know for a fact that right now we are remembering all the times that we were dealing with boy troubles.

Nothing but the sound of the waves splashing on the rocks and making its way towards the beach for a few seconds.    And it was the moment I heard the most beautiful version of nature, the silence at its peek, strong enough to make you feel things that you never knew that you had the capability of feeling.

In time everyone wither away. It’s the one undeniable and inevitable truth. Just like when flowers are given the blessing to bloom so elegantly they know that they will turn to dust in a couple of days. But it does not make them any less worthy just because they are alive for a few days, they still bloom to share their beauty with others.They are being themselves even if their stay is short. Time does not control you and age would not dare define you, if you are spending each and every day of your life being true to yourself.

Now, her gaze is stuck with a group of kids who are building sand castles and I think to myself, “After all these times we are still indeed the same 12 year olds who met on the playground, got their hearts broken and suffered from the basic symptoms of growing up. Our stories might’ve taken different paths and led us in different directions but we all began from the same place. And who thought that at the age of 48 that I’ll still be by your side? Isn’t this more magical than the burning sun being swallowed by the vast ocean?”

And I wonder 24/ 7, if we were writing the memories that our children wanted to cherish…